critical masses: why i can't write a bad review

I recently exchanged a set of e-mails with my poetry editor friend about writing book reviews, specifically about panning books. In the process, I realized that I honestly have NO IDEA how to write a real review, because I refused to take ANY journalism classes on the path to my writing degree.

(Here's a secret: despite my "managing editor" label, I am not a trained journalist. I am a total sham. Which means blogs are the devil. They allow unschooled people to RUN THE WORLD with their half-assed opinions. Bwa ha ha. )

The thing is, I never really HATE books. I've been this way since I was a kid. I either finish them or I don't finish them. If I finish them, I can always find some redemption in them: I liked "The Devil Wears Prada" even as everyone else panned it, although I didn't have kind things to say about Bergdorf Blondes - actually, though, if I were going to write a bad review, it would probably involve an over-hyped book that needs to be knocked down a peg, rather than a random book by a first time author - not because I'd feel bad for the first-timer, but because if they don't get publicity, they'll be on the remaindered heaps in two months anyway, so why bother?

(Perhaps an exception to this rule: I just got a copy of "The Loss of Leon Meed", coming out in July. The publicity machine billed it as similar to "The Confessions of Max Tivoli" and "The Time Traveler's Wife" (the latter being one of my favorite books EVER) so I was looking forward to reading it, but after the first three chapters found myself slogging through overwritten, self-important dreck. (Also, the author was inventing slang for his young hipster characters. I HATE when authors invent slang.) If I finish it, maybe it will get a bad review - or maybe I'll end up finding it has some weird redeeming quality anyway, and raise it a notch.)

Sometimes I do end up a little shocked when a book I really like is pounded by critics. Okay, not critics, who I often find myself agreeing with by default (I am woefully swayed by a good press release). Actually, most of the time I end up at odds with people who post reviews on Amazon.com. I AM OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE AMERICAN PUBLIC! This may or may not be related to the fact that I do not understand allure of shows like "American Idol" and "Baby Bob."

Well, I don't care what they say. I still like "Chloe Does Yale."

The fact that the reviews I write are limited to 4-500 words of general criticism probably helps soften the blow a bit, too- as much as I'd love to go off on a diatribe about why Nicholas Spark's sex scenes are the most painful, unsexy paragraphs committed to paper in the history of mankind, (I'd quote him here, but I vomited on the pages. Then burned them.) I don't have room for it after the 50 word intro, 200 word summary, and basic 'what makes this book (un)attractive' review.

And even after all that, I'm just not bitchy enough. I swear, I've tried. I've emulated Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls and Lindsay Lohan in everyday life and cheered the cat as she attacked the live insects that I brought inside just for her to catch and eat. But my inability to give Jay Sherman style criticism can be chalked up to my complete lack of a bitch gene. (My mother was a Girl Scout for over 20 years. You try being bitchy when you were raised by a woman who still bakes cakes from scratch, not just for your birthday, but for your FRIENDS BIRTHDAYS as well.) Case in point for utter lack of bitchiness: I still talk with all of my ex-boyfriends (even those *I* dumped) on a regular basis. Well, except for my stoner ex, who believed foreplay could be replaced with a good dose of lube, but that doesn't really need any further explanation, does it?

So, do I have a method, or do I rely on monkeys and dartboards? I guess the method I use is "write what you got out of the book" - and since I can find, if not "good", at least "enjoyment" out of most of the things I read, I don't really write negative reviews.

Perhaps one day I'll be forced to read a book that sucks and be tested, but for now, I have the luxury of only reading and posting reviews the ones that don't. Besides, I read books, and therefore write reviews, from librarian's perspective (18 months of reading School Library Journal will do that to you) - I might not love it, but who out there will? Most of the time, there's someone out there who will find a book essential, even if it IS written by Nicholas Sparks.

(That person: my 90 year old grandmother.)